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The program for the prestigious venue in Washington D.C. highlights a playful dual-language performance and an improvised Shakespeare troupe. Conspicuously absent from the advertised schedule is the upcoming global football draw, likely because it is a strictly closed-door affair. Planners appear determined to prevent any unwanted guests from darkening the doorstep at what threatens to be an overly lengthy, self-aggrandizing ceremony where well-paid luminaries will doubtlessly repeat the well-worn cliche that "soccer brings together the world."

A Celebrity-Filled Crew

A glamorous event is set to be hosted by former model and TV host Heidi Klum alongside small-statured US standup comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Adding to the celebrity roster will be American football star Eli Manning on welcoming details and actor Danny Ramirez as a roaming correspondent. Together, they will host a production that will certainly have British football fans who remember longing for the halcyon, pomp-free days of Graham Taylor, FA officials, the FA tombola and a reliable fabric pouch of wooden, lottery balls.

Scheduled to last almost three long hours, the show will include a seemingly endless playlist of lengthy speeches, saccharine highlight reels, scripted jokes, famous faces, musical turns from artists with perhaps little shame or enormous tax bills, and then... finally, the actual World Cup draw.

Sporting Legends on Ceremony Detail

Among those tasked with conducting the ceremony? NBA legend Shaquille O'Neal, ice hockey icon Wayne Gretzky, NFL quarterback legend Tom Brady and MLB star Aaron Judge, all plucking balls under the watchful eye of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Given the considerable, untapped reservoir of charisma possessed by these ageing sporting legends, short of an uniformed security team storming the ceremony, it's difficult to envision what could possibly go wrong.

In reality, very little, if the tone-deaf defence of FIFA's widely reported World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing mounted by an obsequious spokesperson is any kind of indicator. When asked if tickets should be more accessible for non-millionaires, the reply was vague. "In my view we have to be aware of that and I think FIFA are definitely an organization that are aware of that," was the statement. "However, I think we can look at every sector, every area, we could have that conversation about things," he added. The implication seemed to be that high prices are justified when contrasted with other luxury goods.

The Football Business

With 42 countries already qualified for next summer's tournament and another six due to join, there will be a genuine feeling of excitement once the opening acts conclude and the main draw begins. While fans worldwide wait with great anticipation to see which three nations their own country will face in the initial phase, the suspense pales in comparison to that which precedes the announcement of the winner of FIFA's first-ever peace prize for "people who help bring together people in peace through steadfast dedication and notable actions." Considering the draw is in Washington and the World Cup is primarily in the United States, guesses about the winner are ripe, though the clues are apparent.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was in contact with the owner today. My relationship with him is rock solid really. I have a real open, honest and realistic relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have completely no concerns whatsoever" – comments from a coach whose side in the midst of a five-match losing streak, offering a classic quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced should changes occur down the line.

Audience Feedback

• "Further to the discussion of a potential club named Kevin... there is an exciting Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be persuaded to purchase a lower league club and bestow his name on it."
• "Going to football games in the past, when the answer was 'Keith', the reply was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "I stopped reading after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an extra official."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's Global Tombola: just what catchy ditty will a famous group come up with if a certain individual refuses to leave the stage, thereby necessitating an encore?"